Empathic Listening - From the net

Empathic Listening

A mother recalled of a time when her young daughter invited her to come outside and play. At first, the mother intently watched as her daughter repeatedly hit a tether ball, but soon began to wonder what her own role was in the game. So she asked her daughter. In response, the young girl matter-of-factly explained that every time she was successful in hitting the ball, the mother should congratulate her and say, “Good job!” 6 This is, essentially, the role of empathic listening, that of accompanying another person and celebrating together the fact that the other can begin to unpack and analyze the challenges being faced. In the child’s game, success is measured by the ability to have the ball and its cord wrap around the post. In empathic listening, success is measured by the ability to unpack the often pain-soaked narrative and let it float to the surface.

We shall attempt to look, in a more detailed way, at how to accompany without interfering. There is a marvelously therapeutic power in the ability to think aloud and share a challenge with someone who will listen.

A good listener has sufficient confidence in himself to be able to listen to others without fear. In contrast to a diagnostic approach to helping, the listener:

• Takes an empathic posture (motivates the other to speak without feeling judged).
• Does not use pauses as an excuse to interrupt.
• Permits the speaker to direct the conversation.

Through this process the individual—if we earn her confidence—begins to speak more, to control the direction of the topic, to increase self understanding (by first reviewing that which is known and later by digging deeper), to consider possible options, and often, by choosing a possible outcome. We will consider some specific tactics that will help us accomplish these goals. A warning is in order. We must keep in mind that empathic listening is dynamic. It is not sufficient to have an interest in another, but we must also show it. And it is not sufficient to show an interest, we must feel it. The person being heard immediately notices if we get bored, seem distracted, or become upset.

In the words of Alfred Benjamin, “Genuine listening is hard work; there is little about it that is mechanical… We hear with our ears, but we listen with our eyes and mind and heart and skin and guts as well.”7 Let us look at some specific techniques that are helpful.